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Asking Questions - And Getting Answers
Parenting Strategies – June 2011 
Copyright © 2011 by Kay Kimball Gruder,
SuccessfulCollegeParenting.com

We have asked our children countless questions over the years and as our children pass into and beyond their teen years our questions are often met with shorter responses, avoidance, and a vagueness that leaves us hanging onto every word to find out what is “really” going on.  This pattern occurs as part of a child’s normal development toward adulthood, but we have a role to consider as well.
 

Asking questions is both art and science and the information we acquire depends on the quality of the questions we ask.  When we ask predictable and perfunctory questions we get superficial answers.  Have you ever thought about the questions you ask?  How many times have you heard parents ask “How is school?” or “What’s up?”  The common response is usually a one-word answer: “okay” or “nothin’ much.”  After several years of being asked the same or similar questions our children often respond before we even finish asking.  They know what we are going to ask and they know how they are going to respond.  Our communication patterns have usually been in existence for years, with very little changing in how we interact. 

So how do we craft questions that our college student might actually answer, and how do we cultivate an environment that is conducive to inquiry and communication?  Parents who treat asking questions as part science and art use some very interesting tactics.  Consider incorporating some of the following strategies when you interact with your student:

1.   When asking questions be genuinely curious – don’t ask just for the sake of it.  We all can tell when someone   is just going through the motions – and yes, this means your son or daughter can tell too;

2.  Ask questions with some measure of eye contact;

3.  Give your son or daughter time to formulate answers – “You might want more time to think about this so let’s revisit it tomorrow – I am really interested in knowing your take on…”;

4.   Don’t ask the same question at the same time of day;

5.   Ask questions that focus on producing thoughtful responses and that de-emphasize that there is a single correct answer;
 

6.   Pause before responding to your student’s answer;

7.   Ask questions that are interesting to answer – these will more likely stimulate reflective thinking;

8.   Ask questions about things that are energizing or interesting to your son or daughter and then use their interest to go a little deeper;

9.   Shift questions from the problem and fix-it focus to exploring possibilities and opportunities – problems are draining and  possibilities are exciting;

10. Think about what your questions are constructed to do – to     stimulate imagination, induce action, explore possibilities, focus on an opportunity, gather information, etc.

This all seems fine in theory, but putting it into practice usually requires people to break habits, slow down a little bit, and even do some pre-thinking to craft questions and prompts that facilitate communication.    So maybe you want to ask your student how he or she is doing.  You could ask, “How are you doing?”  Or, you could say, “Tell me about something funny or aggravating that happened this week.”  Chances are that your student’s response to the later prompt will provide you with some real insight into your student’s life and provide you with a “story” about which you can ask questions.  A parent might ask, “Who are your friends?”  A question that might solicit a better response might be, “Which of your friends are the most interesting and why?”  Now you know more about your student’s friends without causing your student to feel like you are prying. 

Parents share that when they change their communication patterns it can feel very odd, like they are acting, but after a period of time these are the questions and prompts that they then want to use.  It doesn’t take long to recognize that they are learning more, that they are feeling less frustrated when talking with their son or daughter, and that there is a greater sense of flow in their overall communication.  Challenge yourself to think about what you want to communicate with your student and to then develop thoughtful questions that merit thoughtful responses.  If your communication pattern has been void of these types of questions don’t expect to change it all up in just one night, but rather gradually introduce questions of this type, sprinkling them in among the old.

“Questions can be like a lever you use to pry open the stuck lid on a paint can…  If we have a short lever, we can only just crack open the lid on the can.  But if we have a longer lever, or a more dynamic question, we can open that can up much wider and really stir things up. “  –Fran Peavey